It’s been 3 years…
Since I have written anything about what I went through in my marriage. I have written about it twice, and any time I have needed to write about it again, I have simply copied and pasted my original writing either in parts, or it’s entirety. It’s not something I speak of often. Most people are on what I consider a need to know basis. Three, maybe four people have heard me speak the whole story from beginning to end. This entry isn’t going to be so much of what I went to as I am going to try to focus on how far I have come. My journey. My recovery. What it took to become me again.
It’s not that I don’t want people to know what I went through, or that I am ashamed of what I went through, it’s just that when I speak of it or write of it, it makes it real. I have to acknowledge that it happened to me. This month marks 5 years since I decided to take my freedom back. 5 long years of finding the me that I lost. 5 years of re-learning how to live.
The first year(sept 09-10)…. It was hard. It was scary. I lived in constant fear that one day he was just going to show up and make good on the threats he had made. Or that he would show up and take the kids. For over a year, I slept on the couch next to the front door just to be sure that if he came in, I would hear him. I was terrified to take the kids outside to play. If we wanted to play outside, I would drive to a park in the town I grew up. He saw the kids sporadically under supervision of family members, but I never had to lay eyes on him. That first year, I didn’t live, I survived. One foot in front of the other, constantly looking over my shoulder, in my rear view mirror. I would stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning watching headlights drive up and down my road scared to even sleep.
The second year (sept 10-11)… At some point after the first year, I decided to take my life back. I’m not sure when it happened, but the first big thing I remember, was in November of 2010, I remember learning that wrestlemania 27 was happening 4 hours away in April, and I decided that I didn’t care what it took, I was going. The day tickets went on sale, I bought myself a $25 nosebleed seat to make sure I had a spot in the Georgia dome. Then in January, I learned about this thing called fan axxess. It’s this amazing thing, kind of like a comic con, and for a price you can meet everyone but the VIPs, well somehow (and it is amazing this happened) I managed to buy 1 of 150-250 VIP tickets to meet John Cena the Friday before wrestlemania. I was able to buy them first hand even, not resale (resale prices went anywhere from $200-$1000), and now my one day quick trip to Atlanta had become a long weekend. I remember driving out of my city, and just finally feeling free. I didn’t feel like I had to look over my shoulder. I didn’t feel like I had to be the quiet, meek person who couldn’t draw attention to herself. I was able to talk to people, and enjoy myself. I ended up going to I think 4 sessions of axxess and meeting over 25 of the wrestlers, some of which still remember me and I hear from occasionally on twitter. I met new people, which crazily are from my area, and we still talk occasionally. I talked to boys. Lots of boys and I flirted and I smiled and I had the time of my life. I also had a wardrobe mishap that I heard may still be spoken of from time to time but we won’t bring that up.
When I came back to town, I felt better. I remember still feeling apprehensive, and nervous, but I felt alive again. A month later I went to my second wwe show which was in my town, I had a 4th row seat, I met john cena again, before the show just by luck. I was one of the first people in my seat, and I look 3 rows in front of me and it was my exs friends, and they of course saw me, we exchanged polite words, and it did of course get back to my ex. There wasn’t fall out from it that day, but a few months later (and I can laugh about this now) I got a phone call while I was at work, accusing me, of being on “his” side of town in “his” Kroger grocery shopping with “some guy in jean shorts” and a shirt with the sleeves cut off or something strange. At some point he even accused me of dating john cena. That shook me up and rattled me so bad. At this point in time, I hadn’t even been on a date or kissed anyone since we had split. It was definitely a big blow to the confidence I had worked so hard to build.
Sometime around there, there was a girl I had met through twitter and we both had tickets to the same show in Lexington in august. She was coming from Indiana, and I was driving from Tennessee, and we decided to meet up and hang out before the show. We had a blast. We had a super interesting excursion looking for a specific Waffle House after the show that we decided to call quits when the third Waffle House had police cars, crime scene tape and a news crew. We decided to go to more shows together, and since Lexington, we have been to I think 3 more together, including a second wrestlemania.
Year 3(sept 11-12)… At some point, I had joined plenty of fish, I had talked to some people, but I had never met them, just never took off with anyone. I didn’t feel comfortable enough with any of them to meet. Somewhere around this time, I met my best friend, the person I had waited 3 years until recently to meet face to face. The connection was instant(we have always had this crazy, strange, amazing connection), but mentally, I just wasn’t ready for what he wanted, and decided it was best that we not continue(in other words we had a huge fight and I couldn’t process it or handle it). That was when I realized how lonely I was. How much I missed having someone to talk to, I was starting to miss things like hugs and kisses and cuddling. I started to take trying to find someone to date more seriously, but in was absolutely terrified of the physical side of a relationship. I know some people don’t believe that a spouse can rape or sexually abuse a spouse, but it is something I believe can happen, and to this day I still occasional (very rarely) have problems with. After a few dates with one person that didn’t click, I met a great guy, and we were serious for a few months, in the end, neither one of us was ready to be serious, and neither one of us was able to provide what the other needed, he did end up meeting the right one for him shortly after we broke up, but I have no ill feelings towards him.
Sometime around the time I broke up with that guy, I some how wound up back in contact with my best friend, the one that I had had the major fight with, and things quickly picked up where they left off, same connection, same feelings, but at some point, I can’t remember the reason, but we decided that we needed a break and lost contact again.
Sometime around the time of the breakup, my wrestling buddy and I decided we were going to go to wrestlemania. In MIAMI. ROAD TRIP! Our crazy butts decided to drive the 17 hours (she came from farther) to Miami for wrestlemania 28. I only thought that I had felt alive in Atlanta. We had so much fun. We went to 4 or 5 axxess sessions, met 10 or so of the wrestlers, laid out on the beach, had girl time. It was so much fun.
After I got back, I dated a few people, nothing clicked, but I was more relaxed, I got out more. Decided I needed to move from the house with so many bad memories. It was so nice to know that my ex didn’t know where i was living. I no longer had to worry any time a strange car drove down the street, it was great.
The fourth year (sept 12-13)… At some point in august or sept or 2012 I met a guy for breakfast, and to be honest, it wasn’t an instant connection, we got along, we texted here and there, rarely saw each other, both of us dated other people too, but we kept in touch. At some point early in 2013 we started seeing each other more and more, and without giving too much of his own personal story, I was ready for more than he was, and I nudged and pushed for more, and he gave what he could. We spent a lot of time together. I fell for him hard. Whether he knows it or not, he taught me that I could love again. He couldn’t say it, but in some way I know he loved me, even if he couldn’t see it. He was convinced that he wasn’t worthy of love and couldn’t be loved, and honestly, we were doomed from the start. The fourth year taught me so much. I learned even more that I could trust my gut, that I have very good instincts. I learned that I have some amazing friends that could be leaned on. I learned that even though I am damaged, I can love someone and have so much to give.
The fifth year (sept 13-14)… He and I were on and off for the early part of that fifth year totally ending it a few days before my birthday which SUCKED. He made a bunch of promises that I didn’t expect him to keep and he didn’t, and looking back on it now, it’s for the better. During that 4th year, I once again wound up back in contact with my best friend. Totally platonic, we were both in relationships, but it was nice to hear from him occasionally, I owe so much of what I have learned about myself to him, and other than a month or so in 2014 we haven’t lost contact sense. He has been my rock many times even though he is several states away.
So what does a girl do when she goes through a really bad breakup? She changes herself to make her ex regret ever losing her of course! THAT worked SO well. I think I lost maybe 15 pounds by starving myself because I was too upset to eat, and then I would try to do 2 hours of straight cardio. That worked for about a month until I gained 20 pounds back.
Sometime after Christmas, I started dating a guy I grew up with. We had fun, we liked each other, meshed well, but it just wasn’t the right time for us.
In February before he and I stopped dating, I started having health problems and kidney stones, my anxiety was also really out of control (it always had been since I had split with the kids dad, I just kept shoving it down with temporary fixes) and it was somewhere around then, I realized how far I had let myself go, at 5’1.5″ 190-195, I was always in constant pain, my clothes didn’t fit, I was moody and always tired, I needed to make a change. I needed to do it for me. I started back with reasonable amounts of cardio, and I was eating, but eating less, and making what I thought were smarter choices ( I was living on salad and lean cuisine), I stopped soda, but was still drinking powerade. I think I lost about 10 pound in a month and a half. My best friend kept telling me to stop the powerades, but I wouldn’t listen. I’m a little on the stubborn side. He offered to write me a diet plan and a weight plan and I declined, bound and determined that I was going to do this my way, the way that had never ever worked in the past.
Sometime in march, I saw that one of the former wwe guys, had a fitness plan coming out. It was a book that was part motivation, and part plan, and when I read it, it just made sense. I had always been on the right direction, I was just a street or two over from where I needed to be. I replaced the powerades with protein shakes and water, cut out the lean cuisines and started eating the right amounts of fresh food, and in the first two weeks I think I lost 15 pounds. I was ecstatic, I had energy, I was starting to gain confidence, I went from taking pictures of myself only when necessary, to taking pictures of myself very frequently, probably too frequently. I think at this point I still hadn’t quite bought into weight lifting part of the program, but seeing that the rest of the advice had been correct, I gained the confidence to start trying out some of the weight machines. Looking back at my first few weight work outs, they were so all over the place and so unfocused. I don’t know how I didn’t hurt myself. This is where I finally told my friend that I needed help. I could have asked gabe tuft, the guy who wrote the book for help, but I was so overwhelmed by all the option at the gym, but also all the restrictions, I begged my friend to help. I sent him copies of my workout notes, and I’m pretty certain he probably laughed, but to give him credit, he never talked down to me. He’s never actually ever written me a full workout, he just gave me the knowledge I needed to write my own. He helped me group everything into a three day split, and get the reps and sets set. He helped give me feedback based off how I was feeling, and never once has he told me anything but great job (and a back off the leg days). Never an I told you so or anything.
I finished the 12 week plan a totally new person. I was over 40 pounds lighter, and I was confident, I saw life and light in my eyes. I had gone to different events and made new friends. Took some of them to the gym with me to show me new exercises I could do. I took the kids on our first family vacation(to wrestlemania 30 in NOLA), and I did it alone.
When I left my ex 5 years ago, I never imagined that frail scared girl, ever being able to take the kids to the grocery store alone, much less on a 10 hour drive to one of the wildest cities in America for what basically amounted to a party of 80,000 people. I’m no longer scared to talk to people. I’ve learned that I can still love. I’ve learned that I deserve love. That I’m not willing to settle. I’ve become strong, both physically and mentally. It’s not to say that I don’t still sometimes crack, break down, cry, but I have learned that I have what it takes to pick myself back up and continue. To try again. I go into the gym and try new things without giving it a second thought. I no longer give a flying fuck what people think of me 95% of the time. Some guy told me my arms made me look burly and I laughed. I’m something now that I didn’t think I would ever be again. I’m happy. I’m strong. I’m confident.