9 years…


9 years…

So when I graduated high school in 2003, I weighed 130lbs I was basically skinny fat.  When I was on swim team and taking dance, I wasn’t muscular but I was more healthy even though my weight was exactly the same.  After high school, I spent the summer working at a camp, i toned up and maybe weighed in at 5lbs less than when I graduated.  Then I went to beauty school and was in a not quite healthy relationship.  During beauty school, I probably gained 35-40lbs.  We wore scrubs every day and it was easy to not notice how much weight I had gained.. That is until I decided to get married, and realized that I needed to fit into a wedding dress and I was absolutely not going to buy a size 18 dress.  We ordered my dress in either a 14 or a 16, I honestly don’t remember now, but I was going to have to lose weight drastically for it to fit, and I did, but not in a healthy way.  I greatly restricted my diet and took hydroxycut.  The GOOD stuff. Not the thing you buy on shelves now, and when I say good, I don’t mean healthy, I mean the type that actually worked but wasn’t good for you at all, especially if you weren’t eating and drinking correctly.  I ended up fitting into the dress and got down to 4lbs heavier than I am now.  

I look at the pictures now and think how can I be only 4lbs lighter than then, but so much smaller.  The answer isn’t hard, it’s because this time, I have eaten well, and I have exercised.  Not just cardio, but I bust my tail doing weights as well.  I drink close to a gallon a water a day, and eat 6ish times a day.  Sometimes I really wish that I had the knowledge then that I have now.  Maybe I never would have gotten to where I was, or maybe I would have.  Who knows, but the pics further motivate me to continue doing things the right way.

Me in high school.

 

9 years ago right before my wedding

Recent pictures

 

Now don’t get me wrong I still have a long way to go, but this me is going to be healthier and happier than the me who thought she was losing weight the right way 9 years ago.

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Thinking and Reflecting


Thinking And Reflecting…

Somehow I always end up falling for the guys that aren’t ready for a relationship.  The ones that are fresh out of something long term, and past the rebound, but not ready for anything serious.  The ones that have personal struggles to work through.  The ones who feel like they aren’t capable of loving due to things that they have done in the past.  Then somehow, after we break up they find someone… Someone they can love, someone that can be there person, and I’m just over here like oh hey… Just call me chuck. 

I try to tell myself that they are my stepping stones to mr. Right… But really it just feels like I’m their stepping stone while I’m remaining stagnant.  I know that I have grown so much since I have started dating, but I’m getting impatient.  I want so badly to have someone to come home to, someone to come home to me.  Someone to share the good and the bad with.  Someone to lean on when things get hard.  Yet I seem to find the guys that just can’t handle it, or just don’t care.  I know I deserve someone that cares, so I just ship mr. Wrong along to his soon to be mrs. Right, and sit over here in my corner like hey I’m chuck… 

Why I date Assholes


Why I Date Assholes…

 

Neediness drives me insane.  I have enough neediness for the entire relationship and I know this, and it’s not to say that assholes can’t be needy, they can be, but it seems that all the single, “nice” guys that I find, miss me after one date, constantly want to know what I’m doing, where I am, why I’m not responding.  The guy I had the date with sent this last night…

Dude really? It’s after one in the morning and even if I was on plenty of fish, what does it matter?  Honestly I was asleep and I don’t know why the app showed me as online, but honestly, I haven’t made any commitment to him, so it really doesn’t matter.

 

Somewhere there is a happy medium, a guy who isn’t an asshole and isn’t needy, but I haven’t found him yet.  I like to have space until I don’t want to.  I love to text/talk but I hate feeling like I have to disclose every movement.  Hey… I’m in the kitchen… Now I’m on the couch… Just watching tv…  Pretty certain I can cut my losses on this one.

random babbling


Random babbling 


It absolutely amazes me how many guys will run scared from a single mom with three kids.  I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, and that not everyone feels like they can step into those shoes, especially when the kids dad isn’t in the picture, but I can’t even begin to tell you how many guys hear that you have three kids, and you just don’t hear from them again. Then there are the ones that are over eager to be your knight in shining armor.  Having been in am abusive relationship, those always make me second guess their intentions.  I’m sure 95% of those are absolutely great guys with no ill will, but it still makes me nervous.


I had my first date since February the other night, it went really well, we have talked on and off for at least two years in between relationships, but I can’t remember why we had never met other than the timing just wasn’t right.  He’s very eager to see me again, more than willing to make the commitment, says he understands that a lot of our date nights are going to be spent on my couch after the kids go to bed once I get to know him better.  I tried to be very upfront and honest about how I don’t get a lot of nights “off” and that it’s different to date a single mom whose kids dad isn’t involved.  By all means I’ve basically tried to sabotage myself because I don’t want the let down 2,3,6 months from now when most guys get frustrated by the lack of alone time.  I just don’t want to mislead someone into thinking that everything is ducks and bunnies all the time. I don’t want to get attached to someone again only for them to decide that it wasn’t what they expected and that they can’t handle it after all.


We survived New Orleans! I had a few moments of doubt once we actually got into the super dome and ran into a pushing shoving screaming mob.  Our seats were better than I could have ever asked for at the price I paid for them. I FINALLY got to meet the Miz and had an awesome wrestlemania moment with him where he was a complete heel.  It was amazing! I tried to give the kids away to some of the NXT wrestlers… They contemplated it but ultimately the kids are still in my possession. They were so sweet!  The show it’s self was the best wrestlemania I have been to.  The streak! I can’t believe it was ended.  So many people left after that match because they were angry.  I wish I had taken pictures of the shocked look on peoples faces.  Caleb, my youngest, is absolutely enamored with wrestling now.   The girls are still fairly indifferent.  I honestly didn’t expect them to fall in love with it.


I’ve been going to the gym 3-5 times a week and am slowly transitioning into more weight lifting less cardio.  The scale was kind of stagnant for awhile, but it’s starting to move again, I can see a huge difference when I look in pictures though.  I’m excited to see the progress and it’s motivating me to work harder.  I also have about a 20 minute workout I’ve put together that I do most nights before bed.  Minus an allergic reaction to bananas and then the fact that prednisone and I don’t get along I feel amazing.  It’s been great!