life

Finally Free

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Finally Free…

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Saw this in the mirror today and kinda teared up. Had a moment of who the heck is this girl and where did she come from. The last 5 years have probably been some of the hardest of my life. To know that 5 years ago that I had to make hard decisions for me and my children and to be strong enough to not go back, and to not wind up in another abusive relationship and to see where I am now and know where I started, and to know that I have won, is so amazing. To have started this journey 5 years ago as this weak scared person that was terrified to sleep in her own home, that would have never stood up for herself, done for herself, into becoming this person who holds her head high and isn’t scared any more… It’s just an amazing feeling. I feel free finally.

meal prep…

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Meal Prep…

Let me start this by saying I am never. Ever. Eeeeehhhhhhhhhhver. Meal prepping with my kids home ever again. EVER. Way too much math going on and stirring and cooking to do it with my kids home.  On the bright side, it eliminates the temptation of just going and grabbing what is convienent instead of what I should be eating.  I also learned that on somethings especially sauces, I was eating way too much and on others I was getting too little.  So now I am not sure how many calories I was exactly cutting on before.  I’m starting on 1500 a day for a week and a half and will adjust from there as needed.  

I’m also watching my fat intake a lot closer.  Last time I know I was too low and I think that is where I messed up and possibly what contributed to the stress fracture in my foot.  Six days a week I will be at 1500 cal, 30 carb, 40-50 fat and 110-120 protein.  The seventh day I need to be around 700 carb.  I seriously struggle to hit my high carb day without eating junk, and a high carb day does not equal a cheat day.  I still get the same amount of calories.

I’ve been slowly tapering my carbs off over the last two weeks minus a few flat out cheats.  Like a bag of candy corn.  I love seasonal candy.  And it occurred to me when I saw it in the store that I’m going to be on week 9 or 10 around Halloween and who wants to eat stale candy corn after Halloween when I can have it fresh before. Anyways, I’ve been tapering them off though in hopes to avoid the inevitable massive migraine and grumpiness that comes with the first true week of low carbing. Let’s hope.

I’m coming down with my kids cold.  I’ve got the itchy achy throat and the congested nose and my eyes hurt and I have a minor headache.  My friend that helps with my workout plan flat out told me to stay out of the gym for a few days and rest.  The last two nights are the first nights that I have slept well in a week, and I have crashe out around 9 both nights.  The girls woke me at 4 this morning playing, but it made getting them to school easier at least.  When I’m sick I want to eat junk food.  It’s not going to help anything at all, but i want it.  Some old habits die hard.

I avoided an emotional eating situation earlier this week and was super proud of myself, because my first instinct wasn’t even to go eat.  Everything is mostly better.  There are still some hurt feelings involved, but it will probably all be fine.

I think I have a lunch date Tuesday.  I don’t know that I even really want to date, but we will see where this goes.  Other than missing someone to cuddle with and talk to, I am very happy single without having to answer to anyone about my gym schedule and meal plans.  I’m also so tired of duds, frogs, and crazies, and I know who I want, but right now it just can’t be what either of us want.  We are slowly figuring things out, and still nothing gets figured out.  If it’s meant to be it will be, if it’s not there is a right guy out there somewhere.

Case of the blahs…

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Case of the Blahs…
I’m in a mood today. I don’t know if it’s the fact my back is sore, Or if it’s because I’m lonely, or if it’s because I’m adjusting to sticking to a more strict diet again, but I am in a mood. I want to go to the gym, but with school back in and me working until 6:30 tonight I can’t without keeping the kids up past bed time. I should be able to go tomorrow. Maybe twice. Leg day is up, but if I can only go in the morning, I don’t know that I have time to knock out a full leg day.
I had a friend tick me off last night. He came by my work to say hey because he hadn’t seen me in awhile, which is fine, but I was talking about how I would have more free time soon because I am going to be able to change up my gym schedule. I haven’t told him about what my overall goal is, because he has always kind of knocked the whole concept of body building for both guys and girls, well while we were talking, he was like you don’t do enough cardio. Excuse me? I kinda looked at him funny and he was like you just aren’t hardcore. Umm ok? Says the person who doesn’t lift weights and occasionally goes on a bike ride? I do cardio twice a day on gym days. Once at home and once at the gym, and on non gym days I almost always get 30-45 minutes of dance in at home. I don’t know if he was purposely trying to push my buttons or what but I let him get under my skin.
I understand that not everyone gets why I do what I do or why I want to do what I am working so hard for. I know not everyone is going to approve and I am going to receive criticism, but it just greatly sucks when it comes from someone that should support you. I’m at the point now where I am distancing myself from the more negative people in my life. The ones that are rude and mean. The ones who have to criticize or argue over everything I say. I’m finding that some people are much better friends than I thought, and that others aren’t as good of friends as I had previously considered them. I know this is a part of life, but it seems so high school.
I need to make some friends that have similar goals and that go to the gym. I’m working on it.

something happier…

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Something Happier…

For the first time in 11 years I wore a true two piece bikini to the pool.  I don’t know why, but it have always felt more comfortable in a string bikini than a more traditional one with thick straps.  Also at the beginning of July I took some pics in the mirror of my back to see if I could make some progress and I am very pleased with the month of progress, especially since I was eating near maintenance calories and higher carbs.

It’s really going to boil down to diet and cardio to tone up that middle back, but it is getting there.

Getting better shape I’m the back too

 

Wednesday Ramblings

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Wednesday Ramblings…

So last night I had a super sweets craving.  Of course I have nothing here because if it is here… I eat it.  So after sitting here and whining to myself, I remememberes I had a recipe to make a brownie from protein powder.  But I didn’t have the right ingredients (had comparable stuff for the most part)… And I couldn’t find a measuring spoon.  So I’m all, I’ll just eyeball this can’t be that hard.  Mix it up… Taste the batter.  Tastes great.  Yeah I should have just drunk the batter because once I tried the brownie… I spit it out without even trying to chew it.  Super fail.  It was AWFUL.

So someone I know, has a boyfriend that works for a nutrition/supplement store.  We were talking about protein powders, she uses them, he sells them, yadda yadda.  I mentioned that I don’t go to that store, I use amazon, because I checked online, and I didn’t see my brand in their listing (optimum nutrition gold standard 100% whey) so she texts him to see if they carry it.  He proceeds to tell her to tell me that they carry it but it’s crap. I’m sorry I am not about to buy your expensive designer proteins when I have found something I like, that was highly recommended to me by several people that know their stuff.  People and their attitude amaze me, and in my opinion everyone has their favorite protein powder that they will defend to the death.

No gym today, my work and sitter schedule won’t allow for it.  I’m thinking I can go tomorrow though, but I need to get up and do something here and not just be lazy.  I also need to get up and make breakfast.  I just can not get moving this morning.  I am NOT a morning person at all.  Even my kids know not to mess with me in the mornings.  

Have a great day!

Big Pat on the Back

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Big Pat On The Back…

I got up bright and early this morning.  Dropped the kids off at the sitter.. Drug my ass to the gym.  Mostly an arm and back day with 30 of cardio.  Started off with some squats and modified dead lifts (ya know since a certain gym won’t allow real ones, we make do…) moved to the role on the pulley and then some machines followed by 30 minutes on the bicycle since I can’t do any impactive cardio for a few weeks more.  I pushed out 6 miles on it though.  I pushed hard enough I forgot my lock combination.  That is nothing new though.

When I got home from the gym I sat down and noticed that body Spartan had a new article up (that’s the fitness and diet plan I have been following), so I opened it up to read and I was scrolling down and saw this…

Some of the photos I had submitted through twitter were used on their site! They have an amazingly awesome program and gabe tuft/Tyler reks, has been amazingly hands on with advice and encouragement the whole time.  I highly recommend his book for motivation and fitness/nutrition plans.. Anyways I’m moving away from what I am writing about…

I can not even tell you how much I needed this giant pat on the back today.  I have been in a major funk with tons of cheat days ever since I hurt my foot.  I had to back off my work out today and slow down because it was starting to ache.  So frustrating and it’s hard to stay motivated when you can’t push as hard as you want to.  Slow and steady though.

I took the kids to the pool earlier… That was a disaster and I will just leave it at that… Lots of whining and fighting so I took them back home.

 

I’ll leave you with a photo, the blue shirt is today and the pink one was a month ago!

Changing My Name…

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Changing My Name…

I know I have discussed it before, but I am strongly considering changing my name to chuck.  I was on Facebook last night removing some ex coworkers and guys I had dated but didn’t connect with, and Facebook informed me that my most recent ex, as in someone I had a discussed exclusive/monogamous relationship with, that ended it because they weren’t ready and it is too much, is now in a relationship again.  It’s been 2 months… Almost 3… And just last month, not even a full month. That we hung out and he apologized for not being ready still…  I don’t get it.  Am I defective? Am I not good enough? I just want it to be my turn to find someone that makes me happy.

Don’t get me wrong, I WANT them to be happy, and if they can’t be happy with me, I want them to find someone that makes them happy.  I also want me to be happy.  And while I don’t need a guy to make me happy,I am lonely.  I miss adult conversation at night and in the morning.  I miss having someone to roll over to when I have a bad dream.  I have been to the gym more times in a month than I have been kissed in 9 months…

I know that I could be in a relationship if all I wanted was a warm body, but I want more than that.  I want someone I am compatible with.  Someone with common goals and values.  I’m tired of dating people that don’t understand why I want;why I need; to go to the gym 5 times a week.  Someone who doesn’t mind to plan dates around activities instead of food all the time.  Someone who isn’t a smart ass when I tell them I lift weights.  No, I won’t turn into a man from lifting weights.  Yes,they are heavy, but that is the point… I’ve heard it all multiple times.

That being said, once I wake up enough, and my mom comes to get the kids, I’m going to the gym.  I need to burn off this negative energy and anxiety.  I would have gone last night, but didn’t have a sitter, and it was too late to call anyone.  I also managed to not go binge on the kids sugary cereal or pop tarts.  I’m about to go make scrambled eggs for breakfast.  Mostly egg whites, but I put some full egg in too.  Then I top it with mozzarella and wash it down with water and a protein shake.  It doesn’t seem like a lot, but making healthy food choices when I am upset and stressed is a big step for me.  The old me? The whole box of pop tarts would have been gone.  Just sayin….

Thinking and Reflecting

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Thinking And Reflecting…

Somehow I always end up falling for the guys that aren’t ready for a relationship.  The ones that are fresh out of something long term, and past the rebound, but not ready for anything serious.  The ones that have personal struggles to work through.  The ones who feel like they aren’t capable of loving due to things that they have done in the past.  Then somehow, after we break up they find someone… Someone they can love, someone that can be there person, and I’m just over here like oh hey… Just call me chuck. 

I try to tell myself that they are my stepping stones to mr. Right… But really it just feels like I’m their stepping stone while I’m remaining stagnant.  I know that I have grown so much since I have started dating, but I’m getting impatient.  I want so badly to have someone to come home to, someone to come home to me.  Someone to share the good and the bad with.  Someone to lean on when things get hard.  Yet I seem to find the guys that just can’t handle it, or just don’t care.  I know I deserve someone that cares, so I just ship mr. Wrong along to his soon to be mrs. Right, and sit over here in my corner like hey I’m chuck… 

Lacking Motivation

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Lacking Motivation…

I don’t know what’s going on, but I am in a funk.  Struggling to stick to my diet plan.  Having trouble getting to the gym, not so much for lack of motivation, but more lack of time and lack of child care.  I did make it yesterday and had a really good work out, but yeah. I think I’m just exhausted.  With it being the end of the kids school year, and with my dad in the hospital still, and work being crazy last week, I’m just worn down. I need a good swift kick to the butt.  Or I just need to focus on refocusing.  I feel a thousand times better when I eat right, and I know this.

 

Some douche on date hook up yesterday was sending me pictures of his penis.  Yeah buddy that isn’t how you get a girl, and if you are trying to get a girl that way, your bits and pieces better be porn star quality.  His weren’t.  Though it was better than the crazy dude who thought that was the best way to get me to forget he is crazy.

There is another guy on there who messages me constantly.  He’s a real winner.  Lives with his family, can’t drive and ONLY has 6 years left on parole. Sign me up! 

I met a friend for lunch today, that went really well.  Downside is he lives an hour and a half away.  We kinda talked a little about going on a date sometime.  I’ll have to see how that plays out.  It’s really not that far, but with any sort of distance, it can take a lot of planning.

 

Anyways! I need some motivation suggestions… Feel free to throw suggestions my way!